By: Carles, Hipster Runoff
First and foremost, you are a BITCH. This letter isn’t just about the smartphone that you won’t buy me. It’s about you being a TOTAL BITCH whenever you get the opportunity. I’m not bitter, I’m honestly just sayin’. I sometimes curse your name and wish for your death because of the CRAPPY FOOD that you cook and the way you treat me like that time you wouldn’t let me go to the movie’s for Sarah’s birthday and EVERYONE was there and I felt like such a loser the next Monday at school when every one had inside jokes and I was just this loser who had to go to the viewing of your dead brother.
Why the fuck did we just get iPhone 4S’s LITERALLY just 5 days ago? REally mom? You don’t read tech blogs? U didn’t see this coming?
I get it mom. You pay for the cell phone bill. Unlimited data. Unlimited texts. I use the majority of the daytime minutes on our Family Plan. You think this doesn’t matter, but it DOES. iPhone 5 kicks so much ass and I’m gonna look like such a loser laggard with my iPhone 4s. Kids at school will LAUGH at me and my dumb phone. They will bully me. I know you will tell me that I shouldn’t care what they think, and that they are not my true friends. You are right, they USED to be my true friends before this new phone came out and ruined my goddamn life.
You are TEARING THIS FAMILY APART.
I get it. You just got me the iPhone 4s because our contract just expired and before that you had me on this PIECE OF SHIT Blackberry. Even though that’s what I wanted a few years ago because my friends were all on Blackberry Messenger and I didn’t want to be one of those poor people on ‘smartphones’ who use Android and try to claim it is all better.
I’m so fucking lucky you won an iPad in your company raffle and I got to become commonlaw owner of it so that I could maintain an instagram account. Thank fucking god.
Now this guy who replaces Steve Jobs tells me that there’s a fucking iPhone 5??? I just bought (my mom just bought) a fucking iPhone 4S! WTF. My mom shoulda known better. Doesn’t she read tech blogs at her fuckin job? I have no idea what you do, honestly, mom. But seriously, stop making me feel guilty every time you buy me a $400-$600 device. It’s just part of staying with the times, like food, water, and shelter. We gotta stay connected.
I hate my shitty iPhone 4. I want to kill that Siri bitch. I’ll bet she’s way smarter on iPhone 5.
I had the WORST feeling that the girl at the Sprint Store had no fucking clue what she was talking about. She kept trying to get us to by Samsung Galaxy S III’s. I wouldn’t wipe my ass with that piece of shit. I need a fucking phone that plays MP3s. I need a phone that looks cool and syncs up with my MacBook Pro.
I NEED that 4 inch screen. My screen totally fucking sucks. It is so small. My phone is so bulky. It can barely fit in my pocket. It is such a dinosaur. I feel like I am carrying around a 50 pound weight just for people to make fun of me. It is LITERALLY like a scarlet letter, and I am walking around feeling #shamed.
In closing, THANKS A LOT mom for fucking EVERYTHING up once again. You always want me to go to therapy, but I think YOU are the only loony person who belongs in therapy for thinking that you can get away with ‘providing for your son’ on the cheap. I know it has been hard since dad left, but I’m beginning to understand why the hell he got away from you. Mistakes like this. It’s one thing after another.
When are you going to pull it together? I’m 29 years old and still waiting for you to finally love and support me. Like, not just financially (has been rough to find a career after my 7 years at college) but I just wanna feel like you ‘get’ me and my needs as a technological consumer. Why can’t you just keep up?
Can you just get me an iPhone 5 and I’ll sell the old one on Craigslist and I’ll give you some of the money or take you to Outback Steak House or something. But seriously mom, you are a BITCH.
DOESN’T LOVE YOU,
PS: Please buy some more Chips A’hoy at the store. We’ve been out for 2 days. WTF else are you buying? I need my cookies, BIYATCH!