NIGGAS ASKED ME A COUPLE TIMES IF HITTING A BITCH WAS OK AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES ETC. SOME NIGGAS REALLY DIDN’T KNOW AND SOME NIGGAS WAS EXPECTING ME TO BE LIKE “NAH IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO BREAK YA WIFE’S LEG IN HALF IF SHE STEPS IN FRONT OF THE TV PICKIN UP GARBAGE OFF THE FLOOR AND FUCKS UP YA KILLSTREAK” YOU SHOULDN’T JUST BEAT BITCHES UP FOR NO REASON B. THAT’S FOUL B, CUZ IMAGINE YOUR DAUGHTER GETTIN HER EYELASHES BEAT OFF BY SOME NIGGA CUZ SHE TALKED OVER AN ESPN HIGHLIGHT. YOU GOT A DVR NIGGA THAT WAS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. SO YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A FEMALE B.

UNLESS 

1) SHE PUNCHES YOU OD HARD IN THE FACE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE: IF YOU ON THE 5 TRAIN AT 149TH PLAYIN PLANTS VS ZOMBIES IGNORING WHATEVER BULLSHIT SHORTY IS TALKIN ABOUT AND SHE GETS TIGHT TO A POINT WHERE SHE’S ACTIN RECKLESS AND YOU JUST BE LIKE “MA, SHUTUP.” THEN SHE PUNCHES YOU OD HARD IN YOUR FACIAL? YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING, CUZ NIGGAS IS LAUGHIN AT YOU. SO YOU GOTTA OPEN HAND SMACK SHORTY IN HER FACE SO HARD THAT HER EYEBALLS TURN INTO JELLO SHOTS AND FALL OUT. DO NOT PUNCH HER CUZ SOME NIGGA IS GONNA TRY TO COME TO HER RESCUE AND THEN YOU GOTTA THROW HOMIE ON THE TRACKS LIKE MY NIGGA QTIP DID IN PRISON SONG. THEN SUBSEQUENTLY GO TO JAIL AND DO CRAZY JOINTS AND EAT ONION SOUPS ON SOME MAZEL TOV WACK SHIT. WHICH SUCKS CUZ THEN SHORTY GETS THE LAST LAUGH. SO JUST SMACK HER IN THE FACE OD HARD. 

2) SHE HITS YOUR MOTHER/SISTER: IF SHORTY VIOLATES LIKE THAT AND HITS YOUR MOMS OR YOUR SISTER THEN YOU GOTTA GO HAMMY DAVIS JR. ON THE BITCH B. YOU CAN’T LET THAT SLIDE AND EVEN IF YOUR SISTER GOT IT YOU GOTTA HIT SHORTY IN THE CHEST WITH THE VANDAMME KICK B FUCK ALL THAT GENTLEMAN SHIT. YOU GOT THE GREEN LIGHT TO PUNCH A BITCH IN THE FACE, BODYSLAM A BITCH ON A FIRE HYDRANT, ALL THAT. JUST DON’T KILL HER OBVIOUSLY. BUT NOW YOU GOTTA BE PREPARED TO FUCK HER BROTHER UP CUZ THAT NIGGA IS PROLLY GONNA TRY TO HOOK OFF. IF YOU LIVE IN THE HOOD THIS IS GONNA END UP WITH ONE OF YALL NIGGAS GETTIN SHOT TO PIECES AND NIGGAS WEARING LITTLE FLYER LOOKIN CARDS WITH “RIP MY NIGGA” ON THEM WITH YA PICTURE. IF YOU LIVE IN THE SUBURBS THIS IS GONNA GO ON FOR INFINITY ETERNITY AND YALL NIGGAS GON FIGHT EVERYTIME YOU SEE EACHOTHER AT CINNABON IN THE MALL.

3) SHE SUCKER PUNCHES YOU: UNLESS YOU WILD SOFT OR YOU DATING ONE OF THESE BITCHES EVEN IF SHORTY TROMBONES YA SHIT ON SOME UNEXPECTED YOU SHOULD STILL BE STANDING. IN WHICH CASE YOU TURN AND FLINCH AT SHORTY. IF SHE FLINCHES ON SOME SHOOK SHIT THEN YOU GRAB HER FACE AND SMUSH IT. DON’T MUSH THE BITCH SMUSH THE BITCH…YOU GOTTA PALM HER FACE LIKE A BASKETBALL AND BE LIKE “FUCK YOU DOIN BITCH? YOU CRAZY?” IF SHE DON’T FLINCH AND COCKS BACK FOR ANOTHER SWING THEN YOU GOTTA HIT SHORTY WITH THE DOWNWARD SMACK. YOU COME FROM UP HIGH AND SMACK DOWN LIKE YOU SLAMMIN DOMINOES ON THE TABLE. THAT SHIT IS WILD DISHEARTENING B. IT MAKES SHORTY REALIZE SHE CAN’T BANG WITH YOU CUZ YOU’LL ROCK HER SHIT. 

NO MATTER WHAT YOU GOTTA STAY CALM B. DON’T WILD OUT AND START SCREAMIN & SHIT B. YOU GOTTA WHIP SHORTY ASS AND BE ON SOME COOL IKE TURNER SHIT. THAT WAY SHE FEELS LIKE “YO THIS NIGGA IS CRAZY LEMME NOT TRAVEL DOWN THIS ROAD DOWN AGAIN CUZ I CAN’T SEE OUT MY RIGHT EYEBALL RIGHT NOW AND MY EARS IS RINGIN”… ALSO, THIS SHIT APPLIES TO REGULAR BITCHES. IF YOUR GIRL IS WILD FAT THEN YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL CUZ FAT BITCHES DON’T GO DOWN EASY AND THEY GO INTO CRAZY RHINO MODE AND WILL FALL ON YOU TO IMMOBILIZE YOU AND PUNCH YOU IN YA NUTS AND ALL THAT…NAH I’M PLAYIN FAT BITCHES GO NO SELF ESTEEM THEY WON’T EVER GET OUTTA POCKET UNLESS YOU GET HIGH AND EAT ALL THE ENTENMANN’S.

(Editor’s note: I immediately thought of this. Also, never ever hit a woman.)