By: James Folta, McSweeney’s
Hey! Over here! Dude! You made it through your vision quest! Welcome! I’m your spirit animal, Paul.
Yeah, I know the term is sometimes “animal,” but we can be humans. Everyone always expects an eagle or something, but sometimes your spirit “animal” is a dude who works in tech. Which is totally just as cool as an eagle or a panther or whatever. You can call me your “Firefox” if that feels better.
Do you want a coffee or something, by the way? I know that this mysterious, echoing spirit cave seems barren with all its cold and strange moving mists, but there’s actually this cafe here that has pretty great cappuccinos. You gotta ask for the beans from Uruguay, though.
Yes, I really am your spirit animal. But it’s not my only gig; I also work for a little start-up in San Francisco. We’re based in Soma right now but we’re looking at some spaces in the Mission. We’re developing this app that allows you to take a photo of a crossword puzzle hint and it’ll give you more precise hints to help you out. Not just give you the answer, but help you out, you know? Eventually the app gets to know you and you can upload a picture of an entire puzzle and it’ll know the things you’re unsure of. Pretty cool, huh?
I’m here to advise you and help you find success in your life. I can help you with your love life, your career, your finances, anything. I can tell you what time Tartine’s croissants are fresh, when the Google bus stops in Alamo Square, and which Farmville rip-off app release parties are the best.
No, I’m not making this up. You went on a vision quest, walked down the path of self-discovery, and entered the spirit cave to find your spirit animal. Me. Look, I’ll wiki it.
Do you get 4G in here? What the hell.
Here we go: “A tutelary spirit guide helps or protects individuals, lineages and nations.” Bingo. I’m your partner! I’m a reflection of you in the spirit realm. I’m like the back-end developer to your client-side designer. I want to be there for you and help out with whatever you need.
Okay like, are you dating someone? Okay, perfect—I can help you with second date ideas. Dinner and a movie is a classic; Cloud Atlas is still in theaters and, oh man, it looks so cool. It’s got a great score on Rotten Tomatoes. The Wachowski siblings are so good. Re-watching The Matrix changed my life, seriously, changed it. I mean, I know humanity isn’t just a bunch of batteries but it inspired me to “unplug” my bad attitudes and my bad habits. I started waking up at 9:00 and trying to be at work by no later than 10:30. Now I get my coffee at my work’s cafeteria instead of at Four Barrel. And I only play the new Diablo for three hours every day. You know, baby steps.
Sorry, got off track. You could also take your date to this new artisan bourbon bar I just saw a Groupon for. I guess there’s already one in Oakland but they just opened one in SF so people can finally get to it. Perfect date. You guys can have some bourbon, chat, hangout. Boom. I got your back. See?
Anyway, I have to jet. My company’s taking the day off to do this yoga cleanse. It should be cool. Hey, come on—this is going to be really fun, you’re going to love me as your spirit animal. I’ll ping you with an app you can use to contact me in the spirit realm. And add me on Twitter: my handle is @spiritguidepaul. Later!