By: Andrew Gall, McSweeney’s

Dear esteemed prospective client:

I can’t wait to get started on this exciting new advertising campaign for your product/service. It is truly a great opportunity.

By entering into this freelance contract with me, I agree to provide you with the following materials for your new advertising campaign:

• A mood board session, in which my team will provide you with 2-3 mood boards that, while appearing to be simple pictures clipped from magazines and then pasted onto black foam core, are, in actuality, THE FUTURE FOR YOURBRAND’S DIRECTION. These pictures will be edgy and artsy and will take your brand into a new edgy and artsy direction. There will be at least two photographs of Ashton Kutcher.

• A dozen made up words related to your product that will “draw consumers in.” These shall include, but not be limited to, words with the following suffixes: “–tastic,” “-tacular,” and “–riffic.” Also, while you probably already know this, I was the one who came up with the word “crumbelievable” in 2007 to describe the Keebler company’s new line of coffee cake cookies. It goes without saying that following the institution of this new word as a product line tagline, sales proceeded to go through the roof.

• A logo exploration that includes at least five unique logo designs. These will consist of differently sized circles and in one case the words will be rotated to a landscape rather than a portrait view. If you want your actual company name below the logo, that will be part of round two and will require additional dollars and conceptual exploration time.

• Five conceptual print advertising ideas that don’t actually contain your logo or company name at all.

• Three television storyboards for proposed television commercials. The explosions, large groups of people, and time of year you will see depicted in these storyboards will be occurrences that can only be shot in New Zealand, so these three ideas must be shot in New Zealand in order to be an effective advertisement for your product/service. This is non-negotiable.

• At least one media-agnostic concept that involves a Rube Goldberg machine.

• A direct mail concept that you won’t open or ever see. (It’s actually a piece of my son’s lined notebook paper with sketches of monsters on it, not that it matters.)

• A web homepage layout, which will be a rough sketch with black pen on white paper, on which I will have taken the liberty to draw boxes to indicate where you should put your web content. If you’d like to see this concept “come to life,” it will require an additional estimate and 5 more weeks of conceptual exploration time.

• A mobile device layout, which is a new offering. This will be a slightly smaller version of the web homepage layout. This, as a “new media” offering, is not part of the standard scope of work and will require additional funds and weeks of conceptual exploration time.

• Fourteen unique PR stunts that include ways to build a “buzz” for your brand. Half of these will be ideas for celebrity endorsements or involvements that aren’t possible either because you can’t afford them, the celebrity actually hates your product/service, or because the celebrity is dead or fictional or trademarked (e.g., Aquaman). The remaining seven will all involve putting a large billboard somewhere in Times Square in various locations.

• Two-to-Six “viral” ideas that involve a cat.

Please find enclosed my contract, which I request that you sign and return at your earliest convenience.

Again, my sincerest thanks for considering me for this project.

Sincerely,
Andrew Gall
Freelance Advertising Professional