The Hotness of a Threesome (measured in Scovilles), is determined by the equation:

H = µ (α1 x α2)

Where:

- H is the overall threesome hotness.

- α is the sexual attraction you feel for the participants (rated on a scale of 0 to 5, with 5 being the person in the world you are most attracted to).

- µ is what we call the “desperation factor,” which increases the longer you go without sexual gratification.

I realise most people hate maths. But most people love colours, so let’s make a graph! The following identifies the hotness of a threesome as the participants’ hotness increases. (Please note that one participant will remain a constant 5). Also note that a threesome’s hotness increases in a constant, linear fashion.

The red line indicates the hotness of sleeping with a single person who ranks as a 5 on your sexual attraction scale. It is important to keep in mind that the apex of this hotness scale is a 5 and not 10.

At the far right of the graph we see that according to the theory, sleeping with two 5s is far better than sleeping with one 5, which I believe we would all agree with. The same holds true for most of the graph (i.e: A threesome with two 2.5’s is better than one 5). Things start to get interesting where the two lines intersect. If you have one 5, and a 1, and you use our formula (assuming a desperation factor of 1), you see that:

H = µ (α1 x α2)

H = 1 (1 x 5)

H = 5

Essentially, the formula states that if you have a threesome with a one and a five, it is essentially as hot as sleeping with the five alone. And this makes sense logically, because if you are with someone you are insanely attracted to, and someone who is solidly on the ugly side of average, you’re probably not even going to notice the ugly one. It’s like they weren’t there at all.

And then if you look at the area marked “A” on the graph, you’ll note that when the attractiveness of the participant sinks below one, it actually detracts from the hotness of the threesome.

H = µ (α1 x α2)

H = 1(0.5 x 5)

H = 2.5

We can understand this logically as well. Imagine you’re making love to a beautiful, magical creature. Now you turn your head and spot a naked bridge troll. Hmm. That’s going to spoil the mood a bit. It’s like watching a classic episode of Seinfeld on TV, but in the picture-in-picture corner there’s an episode of According To Jim playing. You try your best to ignore it, but no matter how hard you try you can’t stop peeking at the other car wreck of a show. It actually reduces your Seinfeld enjoyment.

As you can see, initial findings back this theory, though further testing is needed to confirm it. And yes, I realise that taking the time to construct and write this theory assures that I’m the kind of person who will never have enough threesomes to prove it, but fuck you for thinking it anyway.