You’ll be in some kind of heavily air-conditioned automobile weaving in and out of traffic only to come upon a motorcycle carrying a load to market as wide as the motorbike is long, Now i don’t want anything to get lost in translation here, think just how long a motorbike is - that’s a bloody wide load… Your mind starts to wander how the young thing at the wheel can keep such a wide load from tipping over.
You’ll find yourself impressed how the constant sound of horns and heavy traffic seem to leave this mystery driver, a girl of not yet 25, unfazed. A series of well meaning honks of the horn and a flash of the lights later and you pass on the right only to see she is also carrying two small children on the front of the bike - your jaw drops to the floor. welcome to Viet Nam.
In Australia the general consensus amongst a aging population is once you reach 65 its time to retire to a nice but manageable villa in Port Macquarie that is walking distance to the local bowling club so you can imagine my surprise newly arrived in the capitol of Hanoi when the first thing i come across is a old lady, maybe 7 or 80 (They are so healthy its hard to tell) peddling a bike across 5 lanes of peak hour traffic - something i cant imagine my grandma ever doing, even in her youth.
Its a whole other way of life in viet nam and the transport rules and regulations - or sever lack there of is just the tip of the iceberg.
There is a unspoken language in vietnam, not that of 1000 year old scriptures or ancient sun gods but of car horns and indicators. In Australia we honk our horns in rage and flash our lights in frustration - the roads of vietnam however are a whole other ball game, where one honk of your horn simply means a polite “just letting you know I’m here” and two honks roughly translates to ” I’d like to pass now please”
We might use a indicator to turn left, the Vietnamese theirs to (for lack of a better word) indicate that you may pass on the left and a slight shake of your right hand in a clockwise direction , like you are turning some kind of imaginary door knob, means police ahead. Confused? I sure was but our driven Tan was seemingly unfazed as he whizzed through traffic on route to Saigon.
Vietnam is a country so fiercely contrasted to life here in Australia it is a must go to destination for those wishing to alleviate them selves from their current comfort zone (of favorite spot in front of the telly) Where we have dry heat Vietnam has humidity, We drink our beers in bars, they drink their beers on the street, and let me tell you, You haven’t had the full Vietnamese experience until you have knocked back a 20c beer whilst perched on a plastic stool 10cm off the ground and all but 1m from the constant flow of traffic.
The Hotness of a Threesome (measured in Scovilles), is determined by the equation:
H = µ (α1 x α2)
Where: - H is the overall threesome hotness. - α is the sexual attraction you feel for the participants (rated on a scale of 0 to 5, with 5 being the person in the world you are most attracted to). - µ is what we call the “desperation factor,” which increases the longer you go without sexual gratification.
I realise most people hate maths. But most people love colours, so let’s make a graph! The following identifies the hotness of a threesome as the participants’ hotness increases. (Please note that one participant will remain a constant 5). Also note that a threesome’s hotness increases in a constant, linear fashion.
The red line indicates the hotness of sleeping with a single person who ranks as a 5 on your sexual attraction scale. It is important to keep in mind that the apex of this hotness scale is a 5 and not 10.
At the far right of the graph we see that according to the theory, sleeping with two 5s is far better than sleeping with one 5, which I believe we would all agree with. The same holds true for most of the graph (i.e: A threesome with two 2.5’s is better than one 5). Things start to get interesting where the two lines intersect. If you have one 5, and a 1, and you use our formula (assuming a desperation factor of 1), you see that:
H = µ (α1 x α2) H = 1 (1 x 5) H = 5
Essentially, the formula states that if you have a threesome with a one and a five, it is essentially as hot as sleeping with the five alone. And this makes sense logically, because if you are with someone you are insanely attracted to, and someone who is solidly on the ugly side of average, you’re probably not even going to notice the ugly one. It’s like they weren’t there at all.
And then if you look at the area marked “A” on the graph, you’ll note that when the attractiveness of the participant sinks below one, it actually detracts from the hotness of the threesome.
H = µ (α1 x α2) H = 1(0.5 x 5) H = 2.5
We can understand this logically as well. Imagine you’re making love to a beautiful, magical creature. Now you turn your head and spot a naked bridge troll. Hmm. That’s going to spoil the mood a bit. It’s like watching a classic episode of Seinfeld on TV, but in the picture-in-picture corner there’s an episode of According To Jim playing. You try your best to ignore it, but no matter how hard you try you can’t stop peeking at the other car wreck of a show. It actually reduces your Seinfeld enjoyment.
As you can see, initial findings back this theory, though further testing is needed to confirm it. And yes, I realise that taking the time to construct and write this theory assures that I’m the kind of person who will never have enough threesomes to prove it, but fuck you for thinking it anyway.